Day 57 of Project 365...
i boycotted the NUS shuttle service today...
i walked back to PGP from Eusoff today after my project meeting...
amazing feat that would never have been possible if not for the following...
...it was a cool evening after a long day of rain...
...i was baking in a study room without air-con prior, so anything is better...
...i was in my Birkies...
...there was no way i could board a bus all teary-eyed...

i hate the way i cant control my emotions...
maybe it's the downside about being too in touch with it...
writing frequently doesnt help...
coz all you write about is what you feel, what you think...
doing a lot of the brain work...
it's gonna cause my downfall in my career...
if there is ever going to be one...
i just know it...

it's hard to differentiate between Anger and Anguish...
i guess it applies to everyone and a lot of situations...
a mother can be angry with her son when she found out he started smoking against her wishes...
but on the other hand...
she is also disappointed and saddened by how it all turned out...
probably even blaming herself...

i dont know what i am feeling really...
i think people just convert Anguish to Anger in a bid to protect themselves...
from the outside world...
from everything else really...
truth is...
Anger fuels you with power...
while Anguish just makes you feel weak and powerless...
quite frankly i cant distinguish it in myself...
my breathing quickens...
my eyes just tear...
and i feel fluid in my nose...
i find my myself holding my breath just so nothing escalates...

i spent hours working on my half of the project...
typing out everything neatly...
referencing properly...
despite my mountain of other work to clear...
i clear stuff that are due collectively...
just so i wouldnt disappoint my co-members...
if the boat sinks,
we all sink with it...
now you tell me the annual report we chosen...
I chose, to be exact, coz no one else wanted to do it...
does not answer 2/3 of your questions...
because you only tried them the night before our meeting...
because you are only reading the questions DURING the meeting...
when our first meeting (and preparations) was due 2 weeks ago...
i just froze...
i tried to be accomodating...
i tried to help by suggesting other forms of answering techniques...
but now you want to change the world...
am i wrong for walking out on the meeting?
saying if that's the case...
this meeting is pointless...
just email me YOUR new choice...
i dont know...
all i know is that i spent good time on something that is about to come to naught...

i walked...
out to the bus stop...
but decided anywhere with light isnt good...
i walked on to the next...
and the next...
and the next...
along the haunted houses...
reminded myself that i really should be exercising...
wanted to call the guy...
but realising he is still in class...
and knowing full well that the dam will break once i hear his voice...
and therefore, didnt...
wanting very much to meet him tonight...
but realising i have to be in school at 9am tomorrow...
so i continued walking...
and arrived in my room...

here i am...
sweaty...
hungry...
pensive...
sometimes i just wonder...
how nice it is to NOT feel anymore..