| 28.4.06 |
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lunched with the guy after his killer paper yesterday... with a couple of his coursemates... i dont exactly dislike eating with his friends... but more often than not, i find myself clamming up... more like i like... i'm noisy by nature la... and the only way you can shut me up is when you have a big group where i'm not the loudest... then, knowing that i cant be louder, i will clam up and act like the most demure character... which i'm not... thing is... it always happens when we eat with his friends... let's see... with his cousins back in Taiwan... with his Indon friend who came over to visit... with one of his best buds... with his parents... *gasp* with his coursemates like today... with his friends who live in PGP while he was still here... i not only clam up... but trip left, right and centre with my words... end up mumbling and sounding like a helium balloon... i know i can carry a conversation... not the most intelligent... but i definitely can... i dont read a lot... nor stay updated with the news... but i know my shit... like how i know that CAVITATION is formation of tiny bubbles in liquid due to the reduction of absolute pressure which cause dissolved air to come out and expand due to a lack of tension within the fluid. i dont know why it happens... but i guess sometimes i feel like i'm being judged... evaluated... subsequently concluded to be inferior to the guy... and therefore unworthy of his affection and concern... and what i dont like is to be spotted by his buddies in PGP with a takeaway meal in hand... happened like sooooooooo many times already... i must definitely appear like i have no life beyond my books and my boy.... which ISNT the case... or so i hope to think... why do i ever care so much about how others see me? and see use in our relationship? a fear of being judged? we're all judgemental... i know that because i was surfing pageant pages with viv just now... and also because i watched SATC... it's damn easy for me to form opinions about others... yet so difficult to accept people's opinions of me... undesirable opinions that may, in fact, be correct... that is why i hated being where i am right now... heading both Windsurf and Sea Sports Camp... it's damn hard to get things done... or asking people to get things done... without so much of stepping on their tails... or toes in this case... i'd like to be liked... i dont have the face or body or brains for people to envy... so i'm banking on my character and personality... but after these couple of stints running the two committees... i dont know if i can walk away without being anyone's pain in the ass... unlike with the guy... where i will sound out displeasure at the precise moment i feel it... to the extent of calling him in the middle of the night to complain... i tried delaying my reactions to people quite a number of times... in a bid to neutralise my feelings abit... and hopefully act in a more rational and mature way... else i would have strangled a large number of people... and put in jail under the charge of murder of first degree... (and i wont have to take these blardy exams...) i didnt even blog about most of them... which is a blardy good improvement... maybe coz the guy received the brunt of it... my complaints of the evil people... Shixin, Viv and I termed them so... and i can even proclaim that there was once he reacted so adversely that i was shocked... maybe because i was crying like shit... okay... make that two times... so it made me feel good to have him on my side... i cry a lot... i admit it... but i'm not ashamed of it... i think it's a great thing to be able to express your emotions... and to feel emotion in the first place... but what is not good is my inability to control it... which is a skill i had better pick up before i enter the workforce... bye bye tears! so... where was i again? wahahah... ----Stef stopped rambling at 04:10 --Link to Post |
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