| 10.8.05 |
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while i like to think that i'm a modern female... who doesnt eat vinegar if her bf meets up with some other girl... who doesnt pout and whine and ask "do you really have to?" who doesnt feel a thing when he goes ahead and sincerely wish him a good lunch/dinner... ...i am not... i feel very very xiao qi... which is wrong la, i know... but you know how people smoke when they know it's bad for them? same thing... i pout even when i know it's wrong to feel this way... or when i know it's of no use pouting... today was more telling... i received an sms first... weixian asked if we could meet sometime soon... he is one of those male frens that i dont have mutual frens with... or at least, frenz that i'm equally good with... so i cant possibly meet him without meeting him alone... same goes for james, ben, yunnboon, dilun, etc... so i asked the guy if i could meet up with him someday... he was fine with it... though i vaguely remembered someone acting up while he was away in China... but guess what?!?!? the nerve! the guy wasn't jealous... that, i would be silently happy... he was feeling sour at the fact that i complained when he met up with a girl... and then, i was doing the exact same thing... while i always liked to rebutt... that the fuss i kicked up the last time was because he didnt inform me abt it beforehand... but truth is... i'm just freaking insecure... that he's meeting up with another girl... something i cant change la... regardless of how i want to... i keep putting up a brave front in front of my girlfriends... whenever such a subject comes up... i have that independent woman persona that i jump into whenever we have such conversations.. my mantra is that... if the guy were to stray... it just means that we're not meant to be... so just let go... better to know now than later... but deep inside i'm thinking that better NEVER than now... ya know? how i fear to lose him and stuff... losing image... image? what image? i'm so dependent on him now that it scares me... my dad keeps telling my mom to tell me... though one wonders why he doesnt tell me himself... that maybe i shouldnt meet him like everyday... give each other space... especially if i want a long-term relationship... you know? pace things a little... i totally agree with that... but its just too difficult to adhere to... every time i feel insecure... feel alone... i think of him... and wished he were by my side... having my hand in his... kinda injects me with a fresh dose of confidence... and i feel as if i can face the world again... this very feeling scares me to death... what if one day he were to walk away from me and my nonsense? what if.... so he receives an SMS of his own... about dinner with 2 girls tomorrow... he remembers our movie date, however... so it dwindled to a lunch date with ONE girl... HELLO??? is that supposed to be better?!?! and all i have been doing was to playfully pout and jokingly complain about it all... though you can take away the words 'playfully' and 'jokingly'... once again... it was the knowing-it-was-wrong, yet doing-it-all-the-same... haiz... feel very childish... very un-adult... well.. if it's meant to be... it's meant to be... like i'm ever gonna accept that... only managed a couple of glimpses of the fireworks... i have no idea why we stupidly made our way to Marina Square at 8plus... i think he like seriously wanted to eat Carl's Jr... i had the low carb Western Bacon... instead of bread... they wrapped the burger in lettuce... yummy! waited forever for the bus back to his place... daddy had to come pick us... send him home... then me to hostel... spoil me. ----Stef stopped rambling at 01:29 --Link to Post |
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