| 18.5.05 |
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** i am very aware of the fact that i'm doing an overkill abt my feelings for him... i embarass myself too... but to serve the very fundamental purpose of this blog... i HAVE to write it in here... note the stress on the necessity... but i'll be doing it more subtly... kk... if you are an avid blog surfer like myself... you would probably just read the latest entries... right up to the last one that you remember, rite? so my ingenious plan is, to keep 'mushy' entries as drafts... before releasing them long after it's completion date... that way... the entry gets inserted to its correct place in the timeline... and named **... pple who stalk my blog seriously would have to put up with finding it... but i get to talk about things closer to heart... i know it's not a fool-proof method... but i guess it's the best i can go... so if you found this... just shuddup... dont let me know... seperate blogs are a no-no... i like things WHOLE... not dissected... i like sections of my life interwined... probably only him would see this... who might rouse himself to read my whole may/june archives to update himself on sg... while he was away... a long and tiresome task... considering how much i would blog over the 4 weeks... remember the day at the airport... frankly... it just occurred to me... that if i were single... din know he was attached... and were on the YEP team with them... i would most definitely have this seriously major crush on him... power attracts me... gawd that sounded so wrong... but i like my man to be confident... to be able to take charge of a situation... who doesnt shirk responsibilities... and steps up to do things others refused to... although his responsibilities as logistics head has taken him away from me alot... and that his ego is, sometimes, beyond comprehension... but it has also shown me a side of him that i probably wouldnt have seen... it's so cool to see him work... i always eavesdrop on his phone conversations with the china side... listening to him going shisha-ing away in fluent mandarin... and how he patiently does flight arrangements for every single member of his team... even if they had particularly difficult plans... changing their vacation plans like every other day... and liasing with the travel agent every time they changed their mind... if it were me, i would probably have flipped inside out... and frustration would set in... which i would happily unload onto him... where it magically disappears... that's his magic... but he didnt... he is always this picture of a cool cucumber... but lionel said maybe it was coz his eyes too small... cannot show emotion... *proceeded to squint his eyes* "angry like this, happy like this, sad, also like this..."  his eyes... was funny... but lionel was right... the guy is always fine about everything... yes... there are pple who gets on his nerves sometimes... i dont mean on his YEP team... just generally... he confides in me why... but never to an extent of bad-mouthing them like i do all the time... voodoo dolls and all... he didnt call me tonite... probably having a long night trying to settle into their long-term lodgings... was contemplating calling him... but reckon it'll be better if i left him to his work tonite... coz i believe that he would call when he can... when he misses me... i miss him too... but sometimes you gotta give one another space... more air... so that we can burn more brightly... together... (is that from somewhere? it sounds so cliche-ly pretty... definitely not from my rotten mind...) another thing i wanted to put down for a long time was... his parents... i know i mentioned it to him before... and he dispelled it as one of my many think-too-muchs... but my parents keep bringing it up to me... i seriously wonder if there can be any truth to it... my parents think that there might be a status mis-match between us... and i think they watch too much korean drama... thing is... i seriously dont think his parents are taking to me too well... my visits to his place never yielded more than the basic greetings... although we always end up in his room... closed door because of the air-con because of the heat... i was expecting questions from them when we loitered ard from time to time... or that they'll ask him about me... the way my inquisitive parents do, ALL THE TIME... or at least my name ya? which i think, till now, they do not know... even their domestic help asked him my name... i might be thinking too much... they might be too tired after a day's work/mahjong/golf to entertain a 20 year old... but from past experience... i dont think it should be like that... added to that... he is their only son... i'm his first girlfriend... shouldnt they be more anxious? it might also be the fact that they seldom return my smile that got me thinking... and that i vaguely remember his dad smiling at me when i first met him... when a big bunch of us were over at his place... although some pple dont have the habit of smiling much... i kinda value reciprocated smiles a lot more than they should be... i seriously dunnoe what to think... vivien said it might be they dunnoe how to react to their only son's first gf... maybe it's the best reason i can hope it to be... coz the fact is... i love him too much... too much to lose him for any reason other than if he have had a change of heart... i know that love is a complex thing... how a person can love another so much... but move on to a third, and love he/she so much too... it taints its reputation... but it's unavoidable i guess... while it is so... i think i can safely say... at least for now, i know that he loves me so... and me, still loving him even if he dumps me in some pit... why? coz he is everything i dreamed of... epitomises everything i wanted in a man... is a man... loves me... even after his trip to china, i hope... puts his arms around me even when i'm at my sloppiest... which happens to be every other day... i only have 2 change of clothes ok? strives to make me happy... even though i torment him so... with thinking ever so much... eats my cooking... albeit a tad unwillingly... coz i already gave him my heart... ----Stef stopped rambling at 00:38 --Link to Post |
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