| 13.2.04 |
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felt this this letter best describes my feelings...
........... gym training was kinda horrid...fitness level kinda jialat...totally not up to std...but thing is i've really been trying my best...when i'm not training with the team or out at sea...i even run around my estate...but just simply not good enough...sometimes i really wonder is being good that important??? wad abt all that talk that trying hard is more impt and wat not??? coach hasnt been very kind...i think our character clashes alot...me being the kind who cannot swallow ungrounded accusations...and would go all out to argue my stand and point of view...but he's one ego-maniac who would never admit to his mistakes...and totally dislikes pple trying to make their point clear...sometimes i really dunnoe how to talk to him...he's oni 10 years my senior...but all i see is this huge GAP that i cant bridge...cant decide wad kinda GAP it is...intellectual differences, generation gap, diverging goals...i dunnoe...all i know is that his method of coaching is definitely not working for me or the other gurl in the team...the guys can swallow his blatant use of the 'not-so-beautiful' language...whereas i'm the kind who would blacklist u for life if u used the f-word on me...almost...in the spur of the moment...i almost sealed my fate in an sms to quit...only to be stopped by my dad who told me to think it through carefully...lest i regret it in future...he was right...too many things is at stake here...training squad status, maybe even SEA games if i'm good enough...but somehow i feel that my growth is stunted under him...cant breathe...athletes usually have high self confidence...i have none of that... i used to be really happy windsurfing...running to the beach from the bus stop when i feel wind against my back...rigging up my equipment as quickly as i could...just so i could catch the wind in my sail...heck if no one's out with me to keep an eye on me...i used to run away from basketball training just so i could go to the beach to windsurf...heck that i was the captain...wsfing took a bigger part of me anyway...we used to sail together till the sun sets nicely behind the cbd....pretty streaks of orange-pink-yellow...now i look at my watch while sailing...head back by 6pm sharp...now i'd rather skip sailing and rot at home...now i fear wind when it blows against my back...they have a shirt that says 'i'd rather be sailing'...maybe not for me... i want to be happy windsurfing...not caring that my run timings are 4 mins into overtime...that i cant pump half the iron the guys are doing...that i cant do 100 push-ups at one go... i just want to windsurf. stef ----Stef stopped rambling at 01:50 --Link to Post |
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