| 4.5.04 |
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terrible terrible day today...
probably the worst of all my days at MJC so far... 208 made me cry today... it wasnt that bad... they din BULLY me that badly or something... but i guess its just that the pretty little picture i have been painting for myself got really really smudged this time... bell alwaz saves the day when i lose my temper in 208... walked out... but i think i hesitated too much... coz i needed to return them a paper... that few seconds extra... the dam couldnt quite hold... been too long deceiving myself that i'm having a great time with the entire class... coz frankly i wasnt... leon and chin poh had their heads on the table... then the latter and some other peeps started doing the clap thing... AJCians, think AJ clap... IN CLASS?!??!?!? and after me losing my patience with them like countless of times before... wondering why they cant pay attention like good little kids... coz since i'm trying so hard for them... the least they could do was respect my presence... guess i broke down coz i really felt shortchanged... there i was losing precious sleep over how i should conduct my lessons... to make it at least interesting... and trying to grasp every single concept available for the topic... just so to handle better their questions... thing is... i probably know atomic structure/chem bonding/mole concept/redox.... ten times more than wad i knew for my 'a' levels... yes... i'm working this hard... i go to great lengths to find what MJ notes miss out on... and give them extra info from my AJ notes... discussing concepts and pointers with jas and the other teachers just to get a sentence right to tell the klass... staying back after school until 6 everyday... clocking 11 hrs when i oni need 5.5 to get that 65 measly bucks... all that... and more... for this? the most frequent reason for me crying... would be injustice... i wouldnt say i was the best relief teacher ard... coz i am not... but i'm working damn hard for them... more than i actually need to... making it up to them in every way i could... probably filled my bottle 10 times today... simply kept talking, drinking, filling... going to great lengths to explain simple concepts... coz that was something i never understood well as a student... just coz i was paiseh to approach teachers... so i made myself available for them 24/7.... not fair... but i guess you cant have the best of both worlds... where both sides think its fair for them... the good guys (and girls) of 208 came to apologise... and flooded me with sms asking me not to cry... they waited for me outside the staffroom... got lectured by two of my good pals... who panicked seeing me all teary-eyed after lesson... refusing to leave till i came out... which was (think: more tears)... but they're the good guys... they werent guilty in the first place... coz they were dilligently listening to my lesson... in fact... i owe them an apology for walking out on them... regardless of the fact that the bell HAD rung... yet... they had to bear the brunt of someone else's mistakes... they're great... 'good' people of 208... it wasnt your fault... i love you guys... but some times... it just aint enough... i'm not strong enough to take your 'bad' people in my stride... i'm sorry... darn weakling! but darn weakling has super pals who were great in times of need... stella and jas... for hiding me from the rest of the teachers... talking to me for one whole period... being ultra nice to me... mrs bong... for walking over from her table... to give me a good rub of the shoulders... standing by my chair for wad seemed eternity... despite that tummy of hers... sorry john... it really din occur to me to give up my seat to her... when it did... was kinda too late... juliana, the GP RT... for sacrificing her mug... and bringing me a nice cool cup of water... ben k... for putting up with my whining... though i must add that it wasnt even half of my full power... can be quite a whiner if i want to... but i think you're worse... mommy and daddy... for being the kind of pple i wont feel guilty whining to... for complying with my requests for them to say that 208 was evil when i asked them to... (only when i asked them to...) johnston... for putting up with my 3 minute phonecall... just to tell him i had a horrible day... and that pretty poem by william blake... SML and melissa... for sending me msg-es on a day when i needed it the most... the latter telling me that its ok when bird shits in your eyes... that i should be glad that elephants dont fly... (minus the teacher whose watch i found and who didnt thank me thereafter... hey! i could have kept it ok? =P) back to the pretty little picture i have been painting... it's not that i am trying to make the world believe that i'm having a good life when i'm not... pretty little picture is when u take a bunch of paint (your circumstances)... and paint whatever you want... (distinguishing between your optimists, your pessimists and the realists...) optimists paint pretty little pictures... despite having cheap paint and frayed brushes... day scenes of pink flowers and daffodils... nite scenes of bright moon and twinkly stars... pessimists paint grey, dark pictures... coz the cheap paint and frayed brushes made them lose their interest in painting... aint no difference if you get them gold paint... just gonna be black ultimately... realists oni see paint... blobs of it... but they keep their minds open to wad might appear if they continue staring at the blobs... pretty or ugly stuff... (ok... i made all of that up... crappy mood...) i prefer pretty little picture... coz it keeps me bouncing to school everyday... and thinking i'm having the time of my life... met ben k for dinner... *ring ring* supposed to be on diet... (but who cares abt diet when you got free dinner?) hong kong street opposite novena square... it was good... can bring my family to the one at serangoon actually... yummy stuff... then took mrt back to sk... mac fries, sundae and mcflurry... from my wallet... met seng huat... which is amazing really... been some time since i last met anyone from AJ... guy still surviving 4 subjects... good luck to him man... worked with him during orientation 2 last year... and it was good... amazing that i found his fren familiar... coz that guy was oni in AJ for first 3 mths... but he readily admitted he was one of the more outspoken ones... no wonder... cant remember wad chn8 show it was... but it had jacelyn tay, edmund chen and ivy lee... where edmund tells jacelyn... that people with character leave a deeper impression on acquaintances... with "xing4 ge2" being the exact words used... i guess thats pretty true... it's easier to forget a face... than a personality... especially one so wacky/mean/fun/outgoing/cranky/happy/bouncing-tigger!/chatty/introverted... so... moral of the story... chn8 movies are quite good actually... stop putting them down! late... helping jas take 211 tmr... wish me best... gonna pale in comparision to her teaching.. but gonna try hard anyway... nitez... ----Stef stopped rambling at 23:05 --Link to Post |
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